2023: Entering the Forest, Finding Work, The Tithe, No More Wheels, Volunteering, Therapy & OCD

In part 1 of this “3 Years Walking with Jesus” blog series, I got into a lot about my personal coming to faith testimony out of the new age spirituality, finding salvation but falling into depression, legalistic thinking that took over (and still fight), and finding community within the mentally chaotic year that it was in 2022.

The journey continues into 2023, where despite finding community, I felt like I was entering a bit of a forest. But I also started learning about more of God’s ways in trusting Him, had to let go of some things I really didn’t want to, and found a nice volunteering role. I also found myself in therapy though, which led to some interesting discoveries.

Entering the Forest

Becoming a born-again follower of Christ is a weird experience. There are so many unknowns and things to learn (or re-learn) that it can feel a bit daunting. You’re experiencing things that are difficult to explain others, sometimes making decisions that just seem outright implausible, and yet, somehow you’re stumbling your way through life, finding enough breath to start the next day.

There are questions bombarding your mind that you want answered right now, so many things you want to study, and a whole new way of understanding and living things out needs to be integrated. It had definitely felt like at this point that I had entered a very dimly lit forest of confusion and isolation.

In my experience, coming from a deeply ingrained spiritual belief in the new age to becoming a Christian in the midst of a church of people where (to be honest), meeting ex-new agers with a similar story has been difficult to come by (except through other people’s social media platforms…but it’s not quite the same as knowing someone to chat with). I’m sure most people can attest to feeling isolated in some way in their life though, but it’s been difficult to shake the feeling of disconnectedness at times, despite being surrounded by loving and caring people.

I will attest though that some of this has had to do with my own inability to receive and accept love (something I’m noticing just recently), and so I can sometimes find myself feeling disconnected and a bit “in my own world.” Though regardless of that, God did lead me to at least a couple people who had some interesting new age experiences that found their way to Christ, and I have been extremely grateful for those friendships.

But, I’m learning that just like many other things in life, a lot of it is about the journey, being patient, trusting the process, and that things are often seasonal. Sometimes you’re going to be isolated. Maybe it’s to understand what putting your full trust in God looks like, or what it means to have to lean on Him, even when you can’t see where you’re going half the time.

Sometimes you’re going to fall into a hole, or knock your head on a branch. Either way, the journey moves forward, even if you have to nap in the misty forest at times.

Finding Work

Coming into 2023, my finances were continuing to go further and further into the negative (debt-wise). After doing a bit of job searching, I actually was offered a 9-5 job somewhere, but without getting into all the nitty gritty of that scenario, something felt off about it in terms of where I thought God might slowly be leading me. It was tempting, but I just could not shake the feeling that it was not where I was supposed to be.

Gratefully, someone at my church did lead me to a part-time gig that seemed a lot more flexible for my situation at the time, so I jumped into that in April 2023, and have been working for a small natural home goods business for the last 2 years as a “tech guy” / product listing manager.

The Tithe

To start with, I learned that all our blessings and finances to steward in this life are God’s, and that we handle on His behalf within our lives (whether that is a talent, our money, our belongings, property, etc.). I also started learning about the tithe/giving.

Offerings to God have been around basically since the beginning (to my understanding). In new covenant times (aka the times we’ve been living in since Jesus’ ascension to heaven), Jesus taught us the value of giving cheerfully from our hearts, and not out of compulsion (2 Corinthians 9:6-7). The Bible also talks about entrusting in God by giving to Him the first fruits of our labor (Proverbs 3:9). And though the “tithe” (meaning “tenth”) was technically part of the Old Testament as an honor to God, giving to the needs of the church/back to God as a thank you and entrusting Him to do more with it seems to be a norm in the Christian life.

Despite being in debt, I started faithfully giving to the church and other ministries since February 2023 (I’m not saying these things to toot my own horn, but to hopefully demonstrate additional testimony later on down the road the more I learn and implement). It has been scary at times to do that when living paycheck to paycheck, but extremely gratifying to give in different ways.

I know this might seem like an odd thing to do on paper, but it has taught me a lot so far about trusting Him with those finances. It doesn’t mean I don’t question it sometimes or know wholeheartedly if I’m doing the right thing, but learning to give sacrificially and seeing things come back in return in weird ways has helped to build my trust in my relationship with God.

No More Wheels

Going back to late 2022, I started to get this feeling that for some reason I was going to have to sell my car. I really liked my car, which I financed in mid-to-late 2020 (a 2015 Dodge Dart Rallye in charcoal gray). It was fun, nimble, and had under 30,000 miles on it for under $12,000. I felt like I couldn’t beat that at the time!

With my dwindling financial situation in 2022 into 2023, and the fact that I felt like I had to keep getting further loans from my parents just to pay for anything, it started to become more and more clear that paying to keep this thing was not what I perceived God wanted me to do.

I had been trying to get some new freelance clients at the time as well, and all the potentials fell through for different reasons before I had made the decision to sell. I fought it for about 8 or 9 months overall (honestly, sometimes it’s very difficult to understand what God’s leading is at times), but in early June 2023, I had to let it go.

Once I did it though, I did feel some relief, as I was getting out from an additional debt. I was able to make a few thousand more than what I owed on it, so I figured I was going to be able to put that towards something, right?

Eh….no. Coincidentally at this time, a lot of my hours at my part-time dried up temporarily, and my freelance work was basically crickets…so any surplus I thought I was going to be able to use, dwindled very quickly towards regular monthly bills and towards some of my other debts.

Why, God, why?? Well, there was a bit of a miracle in the works to come in 2024 (more on that in part 3 of this blog series).

“The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender” (Proverbs 22:7 ESV).

One verse that I have felt the understanding of the last few years has definitely been Proverbs 22:7. I’m still chipping away at debts, but feeling that freedom from selling the vehicle made me realize how I had to allocate money to something I didn’t own, and that drove some of my other decisions.

I think the more that is financed, the more it puts pressure on you to live in obligation to those things because you don’t own it yet. Though I know everyone’s circumstances are different in life, and that vehicles aren’t always easy to just buy in cash, I would suggest taking to heart Proverbs 22:7 in as many life areas as possible. The more of the things you own outright, I think the better off you will be.

Volunteering

Gratefully, I was able to find a couple small things to volunteer with at the first church I was at in early 2022, but I hadn’t yet fallen into an opportunity to serve consistently using some of my best skill sets.

By Summer 2023 though, a door opened for serving. The Connect the Nations ministry I had been consistently attending was in need of a sound technician to help with the live musicians and other audio or video related tasks. My former DJ experience from the early 2010’s definitely came in handy for this, and it has definitely been a pleasure to be serving at their monthly ministry events over the last year and half or so.

Music has always been a great joy in my life, and a gift in its own right. I was in choir in middle school, and had always had a natural feel of rhythm that would flow through me with music (so when I became a DJ at one point, it was a great joy to be able to share that skill and love with others). I got into learning guitar in 2016, but I also had a little bit of a draw to wanting to work with other artists.

Though helping artists didn’t come in a way I was expecting, being able to set up sound for music artists sharing the love of Christ, and to be able to be in charge of the soundboard and general listening experience for these events the last 20 months or so has been a gift for sure!

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:10).

I don’t recall doing a whole lot of volunteering in my life before coming to faith, at least not on a consistent basis. If it’s something you’ve never done, or do very rarely, I would highly suggest finding some good ways to do so. It really does “fill your cup” to help out in this way.

Whether it be doing yard work for someone who can’t, serving at a church or ministry organization, disaster relief efforts, or using one of your top personal skills free-of-charge, there are thousands of needs out there.

Therapy & OCD Diagnosis

Though the year of 2023 was a little more stable than 2022 as my new foundation was being set, I was still dealing with tons of shame and guilt that just felt like it was somehow integrated into my nervous system (I don’t know how else to explain it).

It just felt like there was this cloud of worthlessness over me, and many intrusive thoughts would trigger off a “zap” in the body. Though I had been consistent in church attendance, prayer, being involved with a ministry, working more, daily reading my Bible, joining small Bible study groups, etc, it just felt like the inner voice of condemnation would not let up. So I decided to seek out some therapy because something wasn’t adding up.

To my surprise after describing to my new therapist some of the thoughts or issues I had been dealing with, she ascribed my patterns to be OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

I’m sorry, what? You mean the mental disorder that makes people want to over-wash their hands and ritualistically want to count or check things until it makes them feel “just right” before continuing on with their day? I don’t really do those things……..do I?

As more and more therapy sessions went on though and I started reading about it, the more some different light bulbs in my mind started to go off over the course of the last year and half since that diagnosis*.

I never realized how many subtypes there are. According to NOCD.com, general subtypes include relationship, religious/moral, false memory, harm, “Pure O,” hoarding, etc…the list is exhaustive.

This is something I might’ve been carrying around in my mind for decades and had no idea. But my dichotomous traumatic/elated coming to faith experience basically flipped the OCD switch on into overdrive where it revealed itself, to the best of my knowledge.

Though I don’t really deal with outward compulsions that people notice, it seems that with my wiring that any compulsions I deal with are more internalized; a symptom of “Pure O” OCD. The themes I’ve noticed play out the most with that have been in relation to religious/moral OCD (also known as “scrupulosity”), and relationship OCD.

This topic and all the offshoots of it gets very deep and is something I plan to talk more about in hopes in possibly helping others, and sharing what I’ve learned. Despite how awful and distressing that it can be at times when the “switch” goes on, I’m grateful that someone was able to see it because it has answered a lot of questions I’ve had in my life in relation to some of my patterns, and how I can change some of those patterns now to better deal with some life situations.

If you are someone that deals with these patterns, intrusive thoughts in general, or even other mental health struggles, here are a couple resources I’ve come across that have helped me immensely in my own life and study of it thus far. Maybe it can help you or someone you know as well:

• Mark DeJesus
• Scrupulosity Solutions
• NOCD

*My “diagnosis” was based on clinical survey. I do not know 100% if the mental patterns and symptoms I have dealt with are truly OCD, but the patterns have been there. I have had many anxious symptoms for most of my life, and it could be anything from General Anxiety Disorder, OCD, PTSD, a bunch of childhood traumas (or a mix of all of it) that have been slowly but surely healing out. I also believe that Jesus can heal these things, and that sometimes coming into “spiritual agreement” with certain diagnosis’s isn’t of benefit. That being said, whether this is something I have in my wiring or not, I can definitely empathize and understand those that do deal with it. When the mind gets locked onto something that feels like it needs to be solved and figured out to calm anxiety and other things, it can be absolutely wretched.  

Year 2 Insights: What I learned and Pieces of Bread You Can Take with You:

Learning to lean on others can actually be a difficult thing to allow for…especially if you fight low self-esteem and confidence (or in some cases, a mental health challenge). You might not feel worthy for receiving help. You might feel like a burden at times to those around you (even if they say you aren’t). You may even ask for reassurance 10 times on something, and still not believe the truth being spoken over you (Jesus does love you. He does forgive you. His yoke is easy and burden is light. You can’t control everything, etc.).

But regardless of whether you have to fight harder (or perhaps release more control) to believe certain things or to install a more uplifting sense of self into your noggin, do your best to break through the anxieties and learn to trust again where you can. Anxiety, the compulsion to run away from it, and the uncomfortableness in the body when facing those buried emotions can be unrelenting at times. But if you can allow yourself to feel through it, healing can take over, layer by layer.

After losing my car and just feeling like I became even more of a burden (“Can I borrow the car again, Dad?”… “Can I get another ride to church, Mr. L?”), it taught me some great lessons.

1. There is nothing wrong with learning to ask for help.
2. Opening the heart to trust on some level and accept help is a process. Slow and steady, my friend.
3. Some days will be harder than others to feel adequate in receiving help. Always be grateful, though.

Asking for help can be difficult to do when you feel that you’re capable of being a fully-functioning, God-reliant human being that should be able to have all their ducks in a row. But it doesn’t always work that way, and maybe sometimes the battles that you’re going through may be tougher than you realize. It can be easy to fall into feelings of inadequacy, or like you have to fully justify to everyone why you need help, or over explain everything.

Anxiety, OCD, PTSD, or trauma can make this all that much more difficult as well since the body is often shouting off warning signals to you about people and situations at times that are probably completely safe to be around or let into your circle.

And this isn’t a license to purposely take advantage of people’s good and kind offers.

But what I am saying is that, even if you end up needing help for longer periods of time than you expected, try not to beat yourself up too much; it only compounds the problem (a mentality that can be difficult to break). And even as you go down the road of life and if you lose trust in other people again (we’re still in a fallen world), take this with you:

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91:1-2 ESV).

This concludes part 2 of my 3-part blog series of “3 Years Walking with Jesus.” Stay tuned for part 3 where I will delve into some miracles that occurred in 2024, baptism, works-based salvation habits, and other insights. Thanks for reading. May God be with you today and always!

Corey